It’s a two-meter distance,
two hearts tormented.
torn by different soul,
your hand touches mine
in unimagined colors of rage.
Firndship on fire,
love covered in smoke.
uttered words cold,
like poisoned thorns
struck to the deepest part of my being.
dark skies with diamond twilights,
when will thy end?
i am hurt to the depths of my heart,
like an evening shadow I am about to vanish…
Lakarin ang mga ulap
mga paa lapat sa lamig ng luha at pangako.
Isang hakbang sa akin,
tatlong hakbang sa iyo.
Ang taglay na alinlangan,
mga mata’y umaawit.
nakikiusap sa paraang hindi mo mauunawaan.
sa paraang hindi mo inuunawa.
ang hele ng puso ko
tunaw sa pighati
pinipigtas ang tanikala ng aking pagkatao,
lunod sa huwad na pag-asa.
lakarin ang ulap,
mga paa lapat sa lamig.
luha mo’y siyang magiging pakpak,
mga pangako mo’y magsisilbing alaala.
Abutin ang aking naglahong mga ngiti.
Isang hakbang sa akin.
tatlong hakbang sa iyo…
i am dead.
pink and green blood in my head.
so lost of what have been
so tired of where i am in…
now i am caught in the middle
a point of no return
i am left with no choice
nowhere to run and hide.
he
he served as my light
he served as my life
he killed me.
he
he made me fall so hard
he didn’t catch me
he hurt me deeply
he
he who used to fill me in
he who built my dreams
crushed me into peices i will never puck again
now im unmasking him
unmasking the man without character
and all i am seeing is a vivid picture of my heart
a picture of my life and my soul
what’s behind the mask
is me after all…
ah, saling pusa lang pala.
akala ko hindi.
naniwala na kasama sa laro.
naniwala na ksalai sa saya.
hindi pala…
ilang ulit nang sumubok
na makipag-kapit kamay,
ngunit bakit ganito?
ako lang ata ang humahawak.
nakakatawa naman.
maganda lang ba ako masyado
para di nyo matanggap
para di nyo maisali?
larong pang-dukha ba yan
para hindi ako pwede sumama?
ang sama naman.
di ko alam ang iisipin.
ang saya saya ko pa naman kayong kasama,
ganito lang pala.
saling ket ket,
isang pilit nagsusumiksik.
kayo-kayo lang naman diba?
bakit nga ba ako nandirito.
aray! naniwala pa ako sa mga sinabi nyo.
na di masaya ang laro pag wala ako.
yun naman pala, di nga talaga masaya,
fabulous, fantastic, spectacular lang pag wala ako.
ang saya nyo naman.
sana magpatuloy ang inyong ligaya.
tutal, aalis na ang saling pusa.
anu ba namang mawalan kayo ng magandang kaibigan.
kaibigan nga ba?
pasensya na ha,
kinu-kwestiyon ko pa tuloy ang pagkakaibigan natin.
sisihin nyo nga ako.
sige na, sisihin nyo ako.
na kung bakit lagi na lang,
pag may lakad, lagi kayong may sariling mga mundo.
mga iba’t ibang mundo…
na konektado sa lahat pwera sakin.
sisihin nyo din ako
kung bakit ako lagi sumasama sa mga lakad nyo
kahit ayaw nyo naman talaga.
ang epal ko talaga noh?
haha! epal nga! epal talaga!
ngayon, mag-ingat nalang kayo ha.
kasi wala nang pusa na ngingiyaw lagi
ng ingay ng walang katuturang katatawanan.
wala nang pusang mahilig sa tinik sa dibdib,
na laging nagda-drama at umeeksena.
babay na sa pusang malandi.
sa pusang sexy.
sa pusang mukhang beauty queen.
babay na sa pusang pula.
sa pusang sobrang nagmamahal.
pero bago yun, sige pa!
tukso pa!
tukso pa!
tukso pa!
kung may pupuno pa sa puno, go go go!
ipagtabuyan nyo na ang pusa.
gusto nyo ata aso eh
asong ulol
asong mabaho
asong walang alam…
mga asong walang talent.
mga asong walang ense of humor.
mga asong pangit.
mga asong di naman kayo mamahalin gaya ng pusang bading na toh.
paalam na sa pusang saling pusa.
di na mangungulit pa.
di na magsususiksik pa
(gaya ng tingin nyo)
paalam na sa na(g)wawalang saling pusa…
whew! new year, of course, everybody’s trying to make a new persona out of themselves, bu sorry i am not. i am happy the way i am. thanks for the "advice for change" thingy…
anyways, im happy now. well, at least, st this moment. kinda tired of goddamn lonely and (teary teary) cheap heartbroken moments… im glad im already able to smile and pull things off.
i can say im already close to the end. most especially now that i have already told me EVERYTHING. it was quite liberating being able to tell him pointblank the feelings i have for him that i was selfishly and stupidly hiding all along.
all is well and fine. yeah, there are aftershocks. i mean things wont be the same again… the "FRIENDSHIP we once had wont be as tight, close and happy as before. it is so so soddening in my part but i guess all that i have to do now is accept things… besides they are all consequences of my decision.
i admit i still love him… terribly and dangerously. though i already told him im over him, but that’s not true. when i love deeply, it’s hard for me really to forget. most especially when i got hurt terribly.
GOSH! im getting so so so cheezy…. and cheap! hahaha!
anyways, that’s it. im moving on no matter what. Im now in this point of no return–nowhere to go to but forward… without him…
wah! but still, still…… we are friends… that’s what matters to me now.
over a cup of coffee and a candlelight
through the stains of time
the wish to be a part of your life is so strong that it hurts.
it consumes me, eating me from within, drinking my sould dry.
my pain is becoming as empty as i am…
help me make this my last death.
help me crush the little spechks of hope i have tried to hold on to.
help me extinguish the warmth i feel for you.
help me to speak of you from now on, as nothing more than a fleeting sorrow.
An elegy to my heart that lived a good life but is now broken.
I hurt myself today, and focus on the pain to see if i could still feel.
as stiff as you are—a numb, i wear this crown of thorns.
i would keep myself. i would find a way. i’d stop loving you today—i will eventually let go.
*thanks for the ideas markie. =)
last friday, i started attending our special video production class. as mass communication majors, we are going to make a documentary of FEU’s Project H.O.P.E in the city jail. We have Ms. Kenny as our teacher. This class is a tie-up with Ateneo de Manila University.
Anyways, to start with, our Ms. Kenny showed us a sample documentary. "the best, or if not, one of the top five best in the world", as she describes it to be.
it is a docu by Alain Resnais, a French documentarist, entitled "Night and Fog" or "Nuit et Brouillard".
Night and Fog is a short 30-minute documentary that begs to be viewed. Once seen—the images (coupled with the provocative narration) will haunt for a lifetime.
Night and Fog begins very peacefully—lyrically surveying a pastoral countryside nearly ten years after the end of WWII. But this is no ordinary countryside—we are in Poland following the railroad tracks that lead directly into Auschwitz. Michel Bouquet matter of factly narrates in French as the English subtitles ask questions like "what horrors have these silent tracks witnessed?" Even if you don’t think a subtitled movie is for you, the visuals communicate far more and you’ll soon forget that you’re watching a foreign language film.
Soon enough the greens and browns of the idyllic countryside transition to black and white artistic collages of archive footage that we can thank the Germans for. Some of these scenes have been seen in other documentaries about the Holocaust, but they are used for the first time in Night and Fog. Continually we have the relentless narrator explaining historical facts that have been gleaned from meticulously kept German records.
Scenes of deportees with stars of David embossed on their coats being herded onto the freight cars come as no surprise, but images of mountains of women’s’ hair, soap manufactured from the prisoners’ fat, disfigured prisoners who were subjects of unbelievable medical experiments, decapitated corpses, and pencil thin skeletal bodies being bulldozed and dumped into mass graves convince us that the Holocaust was a true Hell on Earth—the definitive example of man’s inhumanity to man.
How do Holocaust apologists explain the gas chambers at Auschwitz with cement ceiling that has been partially chipped away by desperate fingernails attempting to claw their way out of their death trap? And what about those ovens and the charred remains of burnt bodies? And the thousands of starving survivors recovered when the Allies free the camps?
Renais follows the brutal imagery with clips from the Nuhrenberg trials where the Nazi officials all claim that they weren’t responsible—that they were merely following orders. The question remains then—who is responsible? Before you jump to an answer, ask yourself why you feel a pang of guilt while watching the film. As Renais bookends his film with additional pastoral countryside scenery from the Auschwitz area, those questions will remain and will continue to haunt. It’s quite plain to see why François Truffaut once called this the greatest film ever made, especially when we consider its poetic impact. Every time I see another film that references the Holocaust, my mind instantly flashes back to this remarkable documentary—its images have become so ingrained that they metaphorically explode inside the brain. after the class, my friends and I enjoyed lunch with spaghetti and soda. Clavin and Paolo had their dinuguan… yummy!!! hahaha!
last sunday, i was able to see one of the best stage plays i have ever seen, written and directed by the one and only, Anton Juan Jr., it really was a powerful and deeply moving stage play which i would have wanted everyone to see. gosh! if i could just buy the world a ticket!
Of Life, Love, Faith and Courage
A critique on Anton Juan’s Shadows of The Reef: Mga Anak ng Dagat
by Robin James B. Gorospe
Footsteps in the Water
Being one of the critically and internationally acclaimed director and playwright for stage, Anton Juan Jr. has been able to once again open our mind, heart and soul through a masterpiece that tackles the story of living life, loving unconditionally, believing and having faith, and taking great courage through struggles and obstacles. The Shadows of the Reef: Mga Anak ng Dagat is a powerful dramatic poetic play featuring the story of Lupe, a brave and strong woman living her entire life being condemned to pay psychic retributions, being a prostitute for mariners/sea farers, a poor who risks life just for food, and a longing mother of a child who died in a “muro-ami” activity. Living the kind of life she has, she believed that the only way to cleanse her soul and be able to live life the way it used to be again, she must be crucified as Jesus Christ in their town’s celebration of Good Friday. Nobody wanted her to take the part of Jesus Christ on the Lenten Presentation for she, in the first place, is a woman. But later on, she then has to take the part for no man in their town was willing and available for the role. After going through lots of hurtful hearsays about her and painful humiliation, she was then nailed on the cross— as she struggles, still, to find peace in her heart and soul, and as she opens the very deepest part of the townspeople’s heart for the realization of the real meaning of life, love, faith, courage and motherhood.
The Colors of the Reef
As a whole, the acting performances of all the cast were excellent. Those of which who stand out were the acting of Frances Marie Ignacio as the lead character Lupe, and the child Lance Reblando as Gabriel, Lupe’s son. Being the lead characters of the play, they both did a very notable performance. They have made the audience feel the depth and intensity of every emotion, and they did made an emotional connection to the audience. Their voice projections were good and their stage movements were also very outstanding.
The supporting characters on the other hand played also very well— all played with a certain distinction for each and every character, and they did compliment the acting of the lead characters.
The ensembles were also fantastic, though there might have been some flaws when synchronicity of movements is concerned, they all still did a great job.
The set and lighting were also notable for they helped to establish the mood and emotion for every scene. Their costumes also helped the actors for their characterization of their role. And lastly, the musical/sound scoring is also commendable for it helped the characters (and even the audience) feel each scene and be able to bring out the feelings and emotions needed.
A Magical Dramatic Touch
Sincerely, Anton Juan Jr.’ play Shadows of the Reef: Mga Anak ng Dagat is one of the best stage plays I have seen so far. It was deeply moving and very emotionally affecting. The entire production, from the moment I entered the theater, to the play itself. Until the end of it, I was really impressed. The sensitive issues were tackled with great care and power. The play did not only entertain and make the audience teary-eyed but also, it was able to open our eyes in the real situation and complexity of life.
Only good words and praises for the entire play. It was like a magical dramatic touch, which I have always wanted to feel and keep for life.
dear sCHmoochKie:
sometimes, you cannot just pretend…
i know, you are trying so so hard to be strong. Well, i know you are strong, but not this time… There are just things that aren’t made to be ours. Sometimes, it just seems that "this is it! this is what i am looking for… this is what i want and what I need"… but to find out that. NO! IT IS NOT!
remember what i have told you? most often than not, not all we think is proper is good, and not all good is fit, and not all that fits is meant to be…
you might not know, but these past few days, especially during your "unguarded moments", i am trying my best to read what’s on your mind and heart… as much as possible, i want to know the reasons why you are acting as such…
you have been so clouded with different things—and i understand you. but these clouds seem to be a lot more heavy and dark as days go by. and it shouldnt be that way. you are laready losing sight of what is ought to be happening and what is ought to be done.
you know what to do but you try to move away from it thinking that maybe, yes, maybe you can find your way through.
There are actions you know you should not be doing, or even thinking of…
why? why? why?
im just seeing myself being with the wrong kind of MAYKA I thought was great.
look, "HE" is not your life", not now and not tomorrow. I can deeply feel it.
i know i am not supposed to be touching or even talking about this part of your life, who am i in the first place? a simply objective non-bias third party…
but i hope you wont blame me someday that i havent warn you or even just talked to you about this things…when i could’ve helped…
do you know talking to him just keeps the cloud bigger and bigger? many questions just keep on arising… many "WHAT IFs and I HOPEs" are just coming along the way that you may be just live through them… i dont want that to happen.
you once told me, "he is the one i have imagined my life with…"
imaginations arent real! you have anchored yourself to a ground that doenst like you anymore… you’ll lose when the storm comes—cause you have no STRONG ground to hold on to. you are smart, i know it! you are even smarter that I… but also stupid enough to be fooled by love.
now that he’s gone, how about your life? how about tomorrow?
well, there are a lot more days to look forward to..but also think that life is too short. you’ll never know when you’ll be "out of here".
Still, you text him. still, you think about him. I know that every night, you still think about him. I know that not a day pass that you dont wish your wishes away… I have been through there and i know tha way out. just listen to your mind right now, its "his" turn, the HEART’s over…
its not good that just a simple tick coming from him, you fold like a thin SHIT of paper. i can still say that you are still living on his shadows.
last summer, i thought you have already moved on? i thought you are already happy with your life? i thought you are already contented?
why did you go back to the low days? why choose sadness over happiness?
we never are victims of circumstances, we are volunteers of it. situations may be given where we dont have a choice, but the way how you look at it still spells a difference. you even told me that we have control over our own choices, why cant you choose what would be best for you?
MAYKA, i love you so much. and i dont want you getting hurt… even just because of your own actions and decisions. please think about your life…
erase him! enough of the’ "what if someday he comes back and realize he still loves me?" my dear, someday is not a day of the week. it’ll never come unless it is not meant to be and it is not put into actions. dont wait for a cowardly stupid cat to learn to swim in deep waters when in the first place he doesnt want to and he’s afraid of the water.
stop your communication with him. what’s the use of changing sim? if you have to change sim every week, then do! dont let him play with you. dont let him know you are still there for him even he’s not for you anymore—you’ll look cheap, you’ll look stupid, and you’ll look so hopeless and desperate like noone wuld be able to love you than him.
you are very pretty, smart and intelligent. you’ll soon find someone to give you what you need.
dont settle for a half empty tumbler already owned and drank upon by someone, when you can have a new gold goblet full of love, care and understanding—just have faith and work for it starting NOW. the first step—you already know it.
things easier said than done, yes they may seem to be. but im telling you, it’ll feel great….
stop acting strong… dont be afraid to show you are weak… just pour it out just the way you did before. but dont dwell on it too much… the pain is like a wolf, the more you feed it, the more it becomes strong, destructive and hard to tame and control…i dont want to see you dealing with such beast… please mayka…. do it for me…
oh well, it’s my first day in school… as a third year college student… gosh! 3rd year na!!! lapit na matapos…sa wakas…
* * * * * * * * * *
you are now in your third year and you must be treated as such!
this statement from a professor have been ringing in my ear all day round… even while eating my sizzling chicken with egg, extra rice and extra gravy,,still it kept on running in my mind.
i dont understand it, until now… why it made a big impact not just in my ears but to my wholeness being a student…
YOU ARE THIRD YEAR NOW AND YOU MUST BE TREATED AS SUCH…
gosh! it struck me like hell…
i felt guilty for myself and my parents..
its just now that i realize, yeah, im third year… and now, i want to act like one and be like one.
too much for the days filled with the "whatever" days…
time to be more serious and more focused…
besides, it would be all for me if i do it the right way…
* * * * * * * * * * *
after long days of wait… hayan! kita kita na naman ng mga bakla, tropa, merlat and all… ang saya! na-miss ko sila lahat…
medyo di lang masyado nagkaroon ng mga bonding moment like before kasi nahiwalay na yung iba,…
this days was great…
new classmates…
new professors…
new org (hopefully)…
new faces… and a lot looks good… yummy! a great sight to see…
overall, FEU is alive again…
crowded with beutiful people with beautiful hopes in life… crowded with pretty people with dreams that are about to come true…little…by…little…
